Here are 10 Catholics jokes that are sure to give you a chuckle! Love24. "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." said Pat. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. He tops his shot and it goes screaming along the ground toward the lake. The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?". He said, "Protestant." The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies, No use knockin buddy theres no paper in this one either!. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The burglar stopped dead again. Can I communicate with you somehow? Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face. Matt holds an M.A. "From what I know of your people Rabbi, you are not supposed to eat pork. Uploaded: 08/20/2013. House Call. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. "How long has it been since your last Confession ?" The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. Your tummies might be grumbly, but spending time together will help the fast pass more quickly, and you can consider that grumbling a joyful noise unto the Lord! He was frightened. The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' While reading the menu, the priest asked a question. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man, Oh Man, Catechism in a Year Podcast is Right Around the Corner. Via Pleated-Jeans 2. "Protestant." Moses has the honor and hits first. 43. She asked if he had health insurance. A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Jared shook his head. "Me too! The local parish had a fairly new priest. Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? As the baker is working, the boy yells out, "My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.". St. Peter and Moses are clapping and congratulating the Lord. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. 26022. 'OH, COME ON!!!' The Catholic Telegraph / June 7, 2020 / 1.1k. about my sister." Finally Jesus is up. The man replies Beds hard. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team." St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. From jokes about priests and nuns to jokes about the Pope, we've got something for everyone. Cop: No, no, much more important than that. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God. Heaven. Think of your father" When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. Clean Comedy: 5 Ways To Find Clean, But Still Fun, Humor And Entertainment A Game Even The Pope Could Play? asks the nun, totally shocked. I am offended. Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray." Bucket Lists, 20 Cartoons to Read Before You Die . At Marias funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, At last, theyre finally together. Laughter unites us. Me: I do--- wait! He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. Who is higher than the Pope? The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. The nun asked if he had money in the bank. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" Sincerely, "Yes," said the parrot. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. 5. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. Me: I do. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one.". Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. ), the Green Bay Packers, & also plays guitar. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pityone of the girls must be dying. Watch on. The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs. ', Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says Convert to Christianity, and well give you $100., The one says to the other, Should we do it?if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_24',667,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_25',667,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0_1');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_26',667,'0','2'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0_2');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_27',667,'0','3'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0_3');.large-mobile-banner-2-multi-667{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:3px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:3px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;min-width:300px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}, The first guy replies Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars Im gonna do it.. 55. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" An Eastern Orthodox priest was talking was discussing liturgical differences with a Catholic priest. Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Religious Jokes. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. He said, "I lava you so much!". Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbots office and says, Food stinks! The baker continues at his task, hardly taking notice. Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?". There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" "Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school." 167. Want to see fewer ads on Aleteia? "I think it must be the second coming," she replies. When you read other Top Ten Film lists, consider that the journalists do not give equal weight to docs, animation and dramatic features, nor foreign versus American indies and studio pictures. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything." Asked what has helped him so much, he responded ", An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? "I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!" 12. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didnt work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? Absolutely ruthless. "Religious." You see my neighbour worships exhaust pipes He's a Catholic converter. Up rushes good Irish cop. Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' I'm telling everybody . He had wonderful, innovative ideas - that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. /r/Catholicism is a place to present new developments in the world of Catholicism, discuss theological teachings of the Catholic Church, provide an avenue for reasonable dialogue amongst people of all beliefs, and grow in our own spirituality. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father., The second Catholic women chirps, Well, my son is a Bishop. A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America. "Yes," says the priest, "your legs.". The ball skips across the top of the water and up onto the green. This is done by the chip monks. "Better than pork, isn't it?! ", But in the hopes of learning more about charity. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest: Mosquitoes come close, though. God, O.P. Man: "I'm jewish!" One more and I'll have a golf course.". The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . St. Peter: Theres a dude standing outside who claims hes your representative on earth., God: I dont have a representative on earth, not that I know of Wait, Ill ask Jesus. (yells for Jesus), Jesus: Wait, Ill go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.. "Father, my dear old dog is dead. The rabbi says, You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies., What Everyone is REALLY Thinking in the Cry Room, Laugh Your Way to Holiness with Catholic Card Game. Q. Many of the catholic catholic irish puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. Eat your supper.' ', The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Finally, I asked a Rabbi. It still exists!. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. With so much going on in the world, it's important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Then Little Susie says "I wanna be a prostitute.". Violets are blue. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!" Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." Moses takes his club, wields it like a staff, raises his arms and miraculously the waters part, the ball runs through and up onto the green. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him. Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan. I have seventeen wives. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. This is what they received falling down from heaven: Score: 4. Score: 2. Please stop bickering about such trivial matters, A young Jewish boy, being an obedient son, goes to the bakery to deliver a message from his mother to a very busy and very overworked baker. 20 related questions found. I narrowly lost a race to a female Catholic. BuzzFeed Staff. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Thanks for this. The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Priest: Too late! While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? See more ideas about catholic memes, catholic humor, humor. What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer? And - Father John - it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day - for those who work "shift" work. He thought he was God. The Catholic Telegraph / August 13, 2019 / 1.5k. I don't know whether this meme deserves a laugh or a groan. You think someone who says "amen" while the Pastor is . I dont know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.. A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is. Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body andlife everlasting? When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. Father O'Malley answers the phone. "I've never been to Confession. I said, "Me too! Powered by Invision Community. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. It's all gone! In fact, theyre the answers to all your laughter prayers! ", Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump. Continue with Recommended Cookies, if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-box-3','ezslot_4',170,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-box-3-0');Nun of these Catholic jokes and puns are duds that will make you cross! You're not helping matters at all. So have YOU ever?" Christmas.'. Man: Yes, father. The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. They both shook their heads and continued working. The particle replies "you can't have mass without me. "Baptist." 25 Lent Jokes Even Non-Catholics Can Enjoy. he answered. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. Why can't Anglicans play chess? Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. I said, "Die, heretic!" More jokes about: alcohol, bar, jewish, racist. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'" You might be Southern Baptist if. A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! A boat comes along and asks to help him. They decided to ask their superior for permission. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?" 3. 29 Confession Jokes. Comfortable laughing at yourself and not taking life too seriously? " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. And the list goes on and on But I still feel guilty for laughingbecause Catholics feel guilty about everything! I almost have a golf course!". Some jokes are better than others. asked the frightened couple. As a non-catholic, all I know about Lent is it's another chance to start up that New Year's resolution you already quit on. Allow Necessary Cookies & Continue So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. ", Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys, Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. Founded in 1831, The Catholic Telegraph is the official news source of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati. On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. This happens yet again. The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it". Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. Bacon proves God has a sense of humor. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose. "Might as well." Here are ten Catholic Jokes that are sure to give you a chuckle!SOCIAL MEDI. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. OH, COME ON!, St. Peter shouted, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Chief: Important like the mayor? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. ", The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. Sincerely, A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families. Priest: Wait! The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. There's certainly nothing more Catholic than guilt! Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbots office. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 25 Jokes About Lent You Don't Have To Be Religious To Appreciate. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. Scan this QR code to download the app now. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? Read more: So, a Catholic walks into a bar during Lent. I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!" She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. For more information, please see our Author: breakinginthehabit.org Date Published: 09/08/2021 Ratings: 1.16 Highest Ratings: 5 Lowest Ratings: 1 Excerpt: 7 thg 6, 2020 With so much going on in the world, it's important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. The minister says, Life begins at 24 weeks gestation. 10. "Jesus said to John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." -He came fifth and received a toaster.". "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" Manage Settings With so much going on in the world, its important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. by. Ratzinger responds He in Salt Lake City. is the second coming?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs. The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. Others were so-so thanks for the good laugh though! A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train". Copyright EpicPew. They are religious titles. He didnt tell me , The Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church , St. Peter: The Catholic Church Never heard of it Wait, Ill check with the boss.. ", One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Then the Catholic Church must be a non-profit organization. Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. Comfortable laughing at yourself and not taking life too seriously? There are many talented Christian comedians out today and their sense of humor truly comes from God. A. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be." His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. And the abbot replies, Figures! Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. Yet, living by the holy word does not mean one isn't allowed to have some good old-fashioned clean fun! I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?" "Met any Albigensians lately?" Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbots office and says Waters cold. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. "Well, yes" said the rabbi "A couple of times. I'm Jewish" By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. 10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes - Breaking In The Habit. Copyright Aleteia SAS all rights reserved. A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference." "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" Father: What are you telling me for then? There's something about laughter that can restore the soul and provide some much-needed relief from stress and pain. A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. I lost everything when the power went out!".
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